I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
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me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES