i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
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[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Made something I’m not proud of
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.