I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
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I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.