Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
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If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.