Are these grass-fed oranges?
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14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
yes, those are my real potatoes.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!