my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
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When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.