Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
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Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Worth remembering.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….