Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
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I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.