Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
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me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
#JohnTravolta
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
In banana years, I am bread.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit