her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
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“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I just ran a .003048K
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year