“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
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Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity