The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
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me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
My Sentiments Exactly
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach