[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
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Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.