-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
You Might Also Like
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣