We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
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he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.