Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
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*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Life hack
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.