Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
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On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
This is the one
that de-escalated quickly
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.