I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
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My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
me irl