love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
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Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
This meal prepping shit is easy
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.