strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
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I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
? 💀
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”