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West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”