i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
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Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
He took my last fry, your honor
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
meanwhile over on facebook
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”