The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.