I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
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Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Me driving through Toronto
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows