TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!