As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
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Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN