I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
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My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?