Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
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And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I think we should hear other voices.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.