Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
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FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”