Why is this me 😫
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[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.