Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
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The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!