Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
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Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Golf would be better with landmines.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.