Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
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I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Happy Friday
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear