finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
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I see your IQ test came back negative
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
My typo game is string.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.