Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see