Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
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Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired