Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
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My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
cats when you pet them too long:
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache