And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
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My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL