10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
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I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault