*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.