[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
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Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
The Joker was right
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic