My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
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If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
it’s either covid or clever vampires
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
this is the greatest thing ever
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
lol
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00