You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
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Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I’m not average. I’m mean.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Owl Sanctuary
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?