Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
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I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
There’s only one good girl here!
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Butt weight. There’s more!