What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
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lol
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”