*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
You Might Also Like
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
When I laugh on my period
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.