If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
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If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info