Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.