My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
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My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
new shirt idea
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Hmmmmm
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
This kinda thing happens to me often
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.