The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
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BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
The 4 stages of a family vacation
prepare for carbonated trouble
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
We’re all getting idioter.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok